My only P&O for 2026 – I only had one last year: I wonder if they’re telling me something, though to be fair I was supposed to do a trip from the Falklands to Uruguay in February as part of Aurora’s world cruise but I cried off with aged chap’s back syndrome. The majority I do now are Cunard but I’ve got two Saga later this year and a transatlantic with Fred. Olsen in January after a ten year hiatus.
Anyway, the usual start: drive to Caen then ferry to Portsmouth and taxi to the Marriott where once more I am shocked to discover the price of a large glass of Sauvignon blanc in the bar is the same as a five litre box from Carrefour. Paul Stickler said he’d try to come to pick me up as we’re on together for the first time in over two years, but he’s not able to, so a taxi to the ship. Well, after a while to the ship as the driver didn’t know Southampton and I had to put the route to the Mayflower terminal in my phone to guide him.
Very efficient boarding with a suggestion I go through the crew security check – I don’t but I’m still on board within 30 minutes of getting out of the taxi. Don’t know where my bag is though as the handlers didn’t seem to know how to deal with a GE (Guest Entertainer) bag and cheerfully advised we’d meet up again one day. The reason for the confusion is that I’m in a GE cabin which is a slight worry given my history of such accommodation on P&O – indeed, TOPS refuses to go on a P&O ship any more after two weeks in a cabin with a three-quarter bed directly under the galley. Happily, this one is OK although it is next door to the laundry. Paul arrives a bit later so we’re all set and have a celebratory tincture.
We meet up again that evening and he’s seen the next day’s programme – my first talk has the title missing and my name is spelt wrongly. Hey ho. We’re the only two speakers and have to go to the office to confirm our running order – we’re supposed to do six talks each but Paul’s miffed because his sixth talk has been dropped to make way for the guest choir.
First sea day – first talk which is the illusions one. Theatre is about half full and no personal introductions, just two minutes fanfare and off you go. Good screen, but I’m not confident about the sound: it takes the technicians a while to get my Mac to talk to the theatre and as it turns out the sound was a bit iffy but the audience seemed to concentrate and I couldn’t see anyone asleep. Paul’s audience bigger. As usual.
First port is Kristiansand – I confess I’m not that bothered and just venture out to get a fridge magnet. I really want to try and get motivated to get the book written, so I do some work on board.
Second sea day and Paul talks about his next planned book about how social and political factors have impacted on how the police have investigated murders over the last 150 years, and we decide to sit and have a serious conversation to focus his thoughts a bit more. The technical team seem to have sorted out my sound issues.
One thing strikes me early on – the lengthy queue for dinner in the restaurant: it stretches the length of the Spinnaker and Intermezzo bars. Turns out it’s the queue for tables for two which is what the vast majority of guests want. There’s not much conversation in the bars either with people sitting in pairs looking at their phones. Next day a notice appears in the Horizon paper urging people to join larger tables because it’s such fun to meet new people, but the queues continue throughout the voyage. Paul and I decide to use the virtual queue which works out OK – join at 1830 and we’re generally in by 2000.
Second port is Bergen and I don’t bother to get off but crack on with the book – Paul’s nagging me to get on with it. It’s a bit like being home although TOPS has rather given up. Next day Alesund – I like this place and Paul joins me. TOPS reminds me via WhatsApp (Credit to P&O for supplying speakers with excellent wifi) of the really nice Thai restaurant near the port but Google tells me it doesn’t open till 1400. But it was open and we’d had breakfast on board so we didn’t go in. We did find the clothes shop TOPS got some gear from last time and Paul advises me to purchase a light weight gilet.
Another sea day so we sit in the Crow’s Nest to talk about Paul’s ideas for his book – regrettably after a couple of hours he decides it’s probably a bit too niche…what he really wants to write is a bestseller and this isn’t it. Oh dear. Maybe he’ll rethink. I make some progress on my project.
Overnight we cross the Arctic Circle and the Captain, who sounds quite jolly, announces a special ceremony for guests which apparently means getting your nose painted blue on the poop deck and having a good laugh. I don’t go, but do get a certificate delivered to the cabin, albeit with the wrong date on it. The Captain refers to it in his daily address, saying it was an odd way for the First Officer to hand in his notice. That got a good laugh and there are signs people have started talking to each other. Next day Bodo and another fridge magnet.
Paul does a new talk on the next sea day which goes down well though I suggest there may be an unsolved mystery dangling – it happens when you’re preparing talks: you’re so close to the material it’s easy to miss out an element of the story. He adds an extra slide at the end.
Two more visits: Molde and Olden. It’s pretty spectacular fjord country and even I’m motivated to do a trip on a tschu tschu train around the lake while Paul hoofs it up to a glacier on his own.
On the antepenultimate day of the cruise, I get a message from Paul saying the Ents Office on board had asked him if he’d do another talk as there might be a missed port, but to keep it under his hat as it were. I was a bit miffed they hadn’t asked me as well but I was probably in the Crow’s Nest when they rang. Still, it does mean he gets to do a sixth. Sure enough the Captain comes on the PA to explain that the weather forecast suggests it’ll be OK to get into the port at Haugesund but it’ll be too windy to get out. Instead, he’s been on to loads of pilot stations and arranged for a day’s cruise up a spectacular fjord, stopping at a huge waterfall and spinning the ship 360 degrees. And that’s what we do – too cloudy to make out the glacier but a creative way to keep guests happy.
There’s even signs of more people engaging in conversation, but the dinner queue is still ridiculous with people starting to wait a full hour before the restaurant opens. I might have been a psychologist for more than half a century but I still don’t understand people.
The resident acoustic duo on this trip are Lex & Lou whom I met last year on Arcadia – really nice people and very talented. They greeted me fondly on day one and we went to as many of their sets as possible – Paul’s a bit of a guitarist himself and was gobsmacked by Alex’s performance of Yesterday. We had a couple of drinks with them – they’re on until November, four sets a day most days, the last finishing at midnight. They are very, very good, but it’s hard work.
Off in Southampton just before 0700 and a taxi to the train station where we’re treated to a drunk, beer in hand, who decides to lie down on the platform for a kip. Welcome back to England. Paul’s wife picks us up from Dean in Wiltshire after a half hour journey in a carriage with several other chaps who seem to have drink taken. Breakfast chez Stickler and then they take me down to get the ferry to Caen. Big crowd of Canadians on a Europe tour and a bus load of manic schoolkids so I retire to the cabin which is just big enough to fit a bed in. I emerge for dinner which is OK apart from the bloke at the next table who thinks the best way to deal with a sneeze is to put his naked hand over his face so that the viral cloud comes out sideways with sufficient velocity to reach me. And yes, four days later I have a stinking cold. Thanks, mate.
Good to spend time with Stickler and to meet up with Hannah and Alex (Lex & Lou), and I thought the talks went OK. In fact the Ents Director did introduce both of our last talks personally and the audience did clap a lot so that’s nice.
Next up is QM2 to New York again, then a mystery cruise on Saga. I bet it goes to Norway.
thehairypsychologist 