My fellow speaker and music journalist Andy Hughes passed on to me the contact details for the agency that deals with Saga cruises, so on the grounds that shy bairns get nowt I emailed the lady concerned enquiring if I could be considered as a guest speaker. She replied immediately asking for titles and then quickly offered me a ‘trial cruise’ from Dover to Barcelona. Dover’s quite difficult to get to from here, so I was then offered Portsmouth to Gibraltar: three sea days. Astonishingly Saga offer speakers a balcony cabin if the ship’s not full, everything on board is included (even wine) and the offer includes transport to/from the nearest airport, in my case Rennes. Amazing. And all sorted within a fortnight of my request.
However, I was a little surprised to find out that the agency only issues the paperwork the week before sailing, and it turned out that it wasn’t possible to get from Gibraltar to Rennes in a day, so I’d have to overnight in Paris and get myself home from there. Because it was so late, the hotel at CDG was €300 and the train fare home €75 instead of the usual €30! Given I had to get to Portsmouth and overnight there as well to board the ship, this was turning out the be the most expensive (and shortest) cruise I’d ever done. But, as TOPS pointed out, it was an investment. So long as I don’t make a mess of it…
A pretty smooth crossing and taxi to the hotel in Portsmouth and next morning another taxi to the ship, sailing from the same terminal Brittany Ferries use. The taxi driver expressed his complete astonishment that I was going to give psychology lectures on a cruise ship but I’m used to that now, even though he nearly hit a bus because he was laughing so much.
A very smooth embarkation – no waiting at all to check in although the lady who checked me in expressed her complete astonishment that I was going to give psychology lectures on a cruise ship. She did, however, say I had been allocated a lovely cabin on the sun deck. Once on board I was directed to the Grill as the cabins were still being prepared – as soon as I sat down a waiter offered me a glass of wine, and shortly after that I was cheerily greeted by a gentleman whom I now know to be called Mr Motivator.
After an hour I thought I’d check out the cabin – at least I should be able to drop my bag off. But it was all ready, and the check-in lady was right: best cabin I’ve ever had – huge, with a balcony and a proper shower with a door rather than a curtain. But one small problem – nothing from the onboard team about when I’m on and I’ve no idea where the Ents office is. There’s just a letter saying turn up 45 minutes before the first presentation for the sound check. And I should eat in the Grill.
So I go off to explore the ship – it’s pretty new (first cruise was after the pandemic), small and very well appointed. It doesn’t take long to get my bearings: Grill, lounge, bars and theatre. Every time I stop someone asks if I’d like a drink. Back to the cabin and the steward introduces himself and tells me the next day’s programme will be delivered about 1800 hrs. And it was – and I’m on at 1400 the next day.
There’s a destination talk in the morning so I go along to see what the set-up is like – it’s a huge LED screen covering the back wall. The destination speaker has clearly been doing the job for years but I don’t stay apart from introducing myself to the technician who is very pleasant. Back at 1315 to set up – the technician is having a problem getting my Mac to talk to the LED screen so he calls his boss while I panic but between them they sort it out with 15 minutes to spare. The Cruise Director introduces me and the theatre is about half full when I start but the audience seems very appreciative – especially when I get them to hallucinate. The other speaker is on after me – a social historian apparently – and his audience is about the same size. I don’t stay for his presentation about the Vikings as I need to chill a bit. Lots of compliments from guests in the Grill that night.
I finally get sent a copy of the programme and it turns out I missed a meeting when I got on board. Because I didn’t know there was a meeting…. Anyway, the steward suggests there had probably been a late cancellation by a guest and they switched me to the posh cabin but forgot to tell the Ents team who left the documentation in my originally assigned cabin. Whatever the reason, I don’t think I’ve given a great original impression but I do finally get the phone number of the Deputy Cruise Director who reassures me and even apologises for the mix-up. Phew.
The second talk is the brain one and the audience is a bit bigger but a bit subdued. However, there are more positive comments afterwards, and several people said it was ‘thought provoking’. The other speaker invites me for a coffee so he can tell me all about his Saga experience. He’s a very confident sort of chap. BBC trained.
Last talk is the eye-witness one and the theatre’s nearly full. Just before I start the technician hands me his phone – it’s the Cruise Director telling me he can’t make it but that’s not a problem really as the technician simply flashes the lights off-stage to tell me when to walk on. Lots of applause at the end as they know I’m getting off and the CD had told them it was my first Saga trip. The other speaker is waiting for me so I have a coffee with him – he tells me, inter alia, that guests fill in feedback forms at the end of the cruise and all the entertainers are listed. Then these 900 odd forms go to the office in London and analysed, so it’ll be some time before results are in. He does tell me though that he thinks I was good enough to be invited back…
Off to Gibraltar airport in a taxi with the Everley Brothers tribute duo – I caught their act in the lounge one night: they are very good, and pleasant young men. Ricardo’s eyes are wide open as he asks me what life was like in the 1960s. Mmm.
Flight to Heathrow was OK, a bit of a rush to connect but eventually found my expensive hotel at CDG. Breakfast next morning was precisely priced at €41 before the concierge called me a taxi to Montparnasse. The train started on time but was delayed part way when a passenger was taken ill at Verneuil-sur-Avre. SNCF kept sending me text messages to tell me what was happening – you don’t get that on LNER.
Two weeks later I get an email asking me to do another Saga in January – I can’t because I’m booked but the agent follows up by asking when I am available in 2026. Seems some feedback got through? If it did that is a big result, so thanks to Andy for the tip. I could get to like Saga cruises very quickly indeed.
thehairypsychologist 